just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize