went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
why do cheetos always look like penises
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize