You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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