He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
