you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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