did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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