Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
