I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
