My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
