My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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