I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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