If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
