My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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