Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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