Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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