but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
