Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
