Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
