just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
