Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
His hands were made for my vagina.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
