I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
two words...techno handjob
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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