you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
