I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
