the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
