After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
