I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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