I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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