Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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