This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
