Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
