Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
