this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
