new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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