debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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