Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
