Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
