And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
i believe in u and ur pee
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