remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
