I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize