i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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