I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
