Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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