i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
