I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
