I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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