I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
