I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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