Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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