I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Welp...herpes.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
