the condom got lost in my hair
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
