Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
