I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
