toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
