the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
