I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
