I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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