I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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