Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You ruined the universe
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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