3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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