So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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