you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
