Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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