Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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