Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
