she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
