I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
