I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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