she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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