Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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