we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Randomize
