Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Someone shattered a urinal.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
