I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
